Darkness...it has been plaguing my every day. I can't seem to find any glimmers of light as I spiral further and further into the darkness. The deep pit of depression is consuming me. Stealing every bit of hope and joy that I have. I struggle daily to get out of bed. It is so much easier to shut out the world and hide away. The tears flow frequently and then there is the emptiness. The dead fish feeling that prevents me from interacting with the world. My mind spins out of control distracting me from focusing on the world around me. Stuck in this endless movie that plays out in my head, keeping me from reality. I just don't understand...
I take my meds diligently and attend all appointments. Yet the treatment isn't making much difference. I feel like I am fighting a battle I can't win, even with support.
It has been a while since I have felt this trapped in darkness. It is hard to imagine a life where light is present. A place where I am hopeful and filled with motivation...but I can't find it.
I find even as I type here it is hard to put into words the extent of what I am feeling and experiencing. Words alone just can't seem to describe what it is like to be so consumed by darkness.
But still I go on....one foot in front of the other....
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
February 16, 2009 ~ 1
It has been far too long since my mind and fingers found themselves here within the confines of my blog, these private writings of mine.
Thankfully I can say at this moment I am in a fairly healthy place. The meds have leveled me out and I am feeling healthier than I have in a long time. I still face struggles and challenges day to day but the ups and downs are much more rolling instead of sky rocketing peaks and valleys.
I have participated in several groups which have for the most part proven to be beneficial for my journey. I have learned a lot about myself and have had the opportunity to experience that wonderful feeling of not feeling so alone. Working through the challenges of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) pushed me to my limits many times over, but did so in a good way. I have found that I am much more relaxed about order, perfectionism and life in general. This not only benefits myself but those whom I share my life on a daily basis. Effective Connections group offered the opportunity for sharing and building connections. I was sad to see it end and to say goodbye to a few of the group members whom I'd built connections with.
I am currently participating in a weekly psycho dynamic group. We deal with how our past issues affect our present life. It is a very intense group and is often filled with a high level of emotions. The group runs for an entire year and has already proven to be a useful experience for me.
So yes, I plug along with my meds, my weekly psychiatric appointments and my weekly group appointments and am starting to feel much healthier. It is now time to begin to spread my wings a little further and start reaching out there for things that will make me feel more like a productive member of society. So yes world...look out...because here I come....
Thankfully I can say at this moment I am in a fairly healthy place. The meds have leveled me out and I am feeling healthier than I have in a long time. I still face struggles and challenges day to day but the ups and downs are much more rolling instead of sky rocketing peaks and valleys.
I have participated in several groups which have for the most part proven to be beneficial for my journey. I have learned a lot about myself and have had the opportunity to experience that wonderful feeling of not feeling so alone. Working through the challenges of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) pushed me to my limits many times over, but did so in a good way. I have found that I am much more relaxed about order, perfectionism and life in general. This not only benefits myself but those whom I share my life on a daily basis. Effective Connections group offered the opportunity for sharing and building connections. I was sad to see it end and to say goodbye to a few of the group members whom I'd built connections with.
I am currently participating in a weekly psycho dynamic group. We deal with how our past issues affect our present life. It is a very intense group and is often filled with a high level of emotions. The group runs for an entire year and has already proven to be a useful experience for me.
So yes, I plug along with my meds, my weekly psychiatric appointments and my weekly group appointments and am starting to feel much healthier. It is now time to begin to spread my wings a little further and start reaching out there for things that will make me feel more like a productive member of society. So yes world...look out...because here I come....
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