Cocktail anyone???? Not just your ordinary cocktail but rather the cocktail of meds that many of those who live with mental illness have on a daily basis. In truth I'd say you are better off sticking to your alcohol or non alcoholic cocktails. And if those of us already ingesting "cocktails" are going to join you and follow medical advice we better stick to the "virgin" cocktail drinks.

So where is all that thirst inducing rambling going??? Well my "cocktail" isn't working as well as it should lately. Struggling with a quadruple diagnosis requires a lot of mixing, pouring, shaking, stirring, adding ingredients, substituting ingredients etc.

The black, ominous cloud of depression is once again plaguing my spirit. I struggle through the overwhelming sadness and weariness to pull myself out of bed and face the day that I feel I have no strength for. This has been my daily routine for the last several weeks. Not one that is unfamiliar as it has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. But this one, it really blindsided me. As if to say "wake up Angela" don't ever forget that you are mentally ill and as a result of your quadruple diagnosis you will ALWAYS struggle. Where life may come easier for others, that won't be the case for you. Not that you'd be without joy and blessings...it is just that you'll feel the rougher times that much more intensely. And then if the "mentally ill labels" are working against each other, well that's why we have to keep a careful eye on the ingredients in the "cocktails" you ingest.

Hmmm...as I read back through this I struggle to make sense of it. But I suppose that is the nature of my mind right now ~ struggling unclarity with a heavy dose of depression so that you really can't think. So lest I prove myself an "incompetent" soul I shall quit this entry now.

Welcome to my world....stop by for a drink or two now and again.

How does a writer go more than two months without writing? And why? In some ways it is so hard for me to believe it has been that long and in other ways it feels like just yesterday I tapped out my last entry on these keys.



I sit here today after a couple months of beginning to feel healthier and healthier every day until now... The last two weeks I have felt the suffocating walls of depression begin to crush my spirit. And why?? This time I am not so sure. In fact I am so unsure that I am terrified. How does one fix something that they don't know where the "crack" is in the first place. I work so hard to stay on that level field of travelling through my journey, both physically and emotionally. The meds have worked wonders for the last couple months and now....something isn't right. Sure I have had a few challenging circumstances and situations to deal with as I wrestle through "this time of year" but I thought the meds would keep me from slipping into that pit of depression. I have several "supports" in place as I participate in weekly group sessions with those similar to myself. I see a psychiatrist once per week where I am able to "debrief" what is occuring in my life. And I have numerous people who love and support me as I journey closer and closer to finding that balance that will bring healing into my life. So why now? Why with everything in place am I fighting so hard?



Honestly I don't know the answer...what I do know is that I cry everyday again, I fight the urge to inflict harm upon myself, every day I have to force myself to get out of bed and face the day, I feel agitated and anixous and the movie is playing more frequently then it has in a long time....



I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday, perhaps she'll have some answers. Until then I'll keep forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other instead of crawling into that "hole" that looks so inviting.