Darkness...it has been plaguing my every day. I can't seem to find any glimmers of light as I spiral further and further into the darkness. The deep pit of depression is consuming me. Stealing every bit of hope and joy that I have. I struggle daily to get out of bed. It is so much easier to shut out the world and hide away. The tears flow frequently and then there is the emptiness. The dead fish feeling that prevents me from interacting with the world. My mind spins out of control distracting me from focusing on the world around me. Stuck in this endless movie that plays out in my head, keeping me from reality. I just don't understand...
I take my meds diligently and attend all appointments. Yet the treatment isn't making much difference. I feel like I am fighting a battle I can't win, even with support.
It has been a while since I have felt this trapped in darkness. It is hard to imagine a life where light is present. A place where I am hopeful and filled with motivation...but I can't find it.
I find even as I type here it is hard to put into words the extent of what I am feeling and experiencing. Words alone just can't seem to describe what it is like to be so consumed by darkness.
But still I go on....one foot in front of the other....
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
February 16, 2009 ~ 1
It has been far too long since my mind and fingers found themselves here within the confines of my blog, these private writings of mine.
Thankfully I can say at this moment I am in a fairly healthy place. The meds have leveled me out and I am feeling healthier than I have in a long time. I still face struggles and challenges day to day but the ups and downs are much more rolling instead of sky rocketing peaks and valleys.
I have participated in several groups which have for the most part proven to be beneficial for my journey. I have learned a lot about myself and have had the opportunity to experience that wonderful feeling of not feeling so alone. Working through the challenges of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) pushed me to my limits many times over, but did so in a good way. I have found that I am much more relaxed about order, perfectionism and life in general. This not only benefits myself but those whom I share my life on a daily basis. Effective Connections group offered the opportunity for sharing and building connections. I was sad to see it end and to say goodbye to a few of the group members whom I'd built connections with.
I am currently participating in a weekly psycho dynamic group. We deal with how our past issues affect our present life. It is a very intense group and is often filled with a high level of emotions. The group runs for an entire year and has already proven to be a useful experience for me.
So yes, I plug along with my meds, my weekly psychiatric appointments and my weekly group appointments and am starting to feel much healthier. It is now time to begin to spread my wings a little further and start reaching out there for things that will make me feel more like a productive member of society. So yes world...look out...because here I come....
Thankfully I can say at this moment I am in a fairly healthy place. The meds have leveled me out and I am feeling healthier than I have in a long time. I still face struggles and challenges day to day but the ups and downs are much more rolling instead of sky rocketing peaks and valleys.
I have participated in several groups which have for the most part proven to be beneficial for my journey. I have learned a lot about myself and have had the opportunity to experience that wonderful feeling of not feeling so alone. Working through the challenges of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) pushed me to my limits many times over, but did so in a good way. I have found that I am much more relaxed about order, perfectionism and life in general. This not only benefits myself but those whom I share my life on a daily basis. Effective Connections group offered the opportunity for sharing and building connections. I was sad to see it end and to say goodbye to a few of the group members whom I'd built connections with.
I am currently participating in a weekly psycho dynamic group. We deal with how our past issues affect our present life. It is a very intense group and is often filled with a high level of emotions. The group runs for an entire year and has already proven to be a useful experience for me.
So yes, I plug along with my meds, my weekly psychiatric appointments and my weekly group appointments and am starting to feel much healthier. It is now time to begin to spread my wings a little further and start reaching out there for things that will make me feel more like a productive member of society. So yes world...look out...because here I come....
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Cocktail anyone???? Not just your ordinary cocktail but rather the cocktail of meds that many of those who live with mental illness have on a daily basis. In truth I'd say you are better off sticking to your alcohol or non alcoholic cocktails. And if those of us already ingesting "cocktails" are going to join you and follow medical advice we better stick to the "virgin" cocktail drinks.
So where is all that thirst inducing rambling going??? Well my "cocktail" isn't working as well as it should lately. Struggling with a quadruple diagnosis requires a lot of mixing, pouring, shaking, stirring, adding ingredients, substituting ingredients etc.
The black, ominous cloud of depression is once again plaguing my spirit. I struggle through the overwhelming sadness and weariness to pull myself out of bed and face the day that I feel I have no strength for. This has been my daily routine for the last several weeks. Not one that is unfamiliar as it has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. But this one, it really blindsided me. As if to say "wake up Angela" don't ever forget that you are mentally ill and as a result of your quadruple diagnosis you will ALWAYS struggle. Where life may come easier for others, that won't be the case for you. Not that you'd be without joy and blessings...it is just that you'll feel the rougher times that much more intensely. And then if the "mentally ill labels" are working against each other, well that's why we have to keep a careful eye on the ingredients in the "cocktails" you ingest.
Hmmm...as I read back through this I struggle to make sense of it. But I suppose that is the nature of my mind right now ~ struggling unclarity with a heavy dose of depression so that you really can't think. So lest I prove myself an "incompetent" soul I shall quit this entry now.
Welcome to my world....stop by for a drink or two now and again.
So where is all that thirst inducing rambling going??? Well my "cocktail" isn't working as well as it should lately. Struggling with a quadruple diagnosis requires a lot of mixing, pouring, shaking, stirring, adding ingredients, substituting ingredients etc.
The black, ominous cloud of depression is once again plaguing my spirit. I struggle through the overwhelming sadness and weariness to pull myself out of bed and face the day that I feel I have no strength for. This has been my daily routine for the last several weeks. Not one that is unfamiliar as it has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. But this one, it really blindsided me. As if to say "wake up Angela" don't ever forget that you are mentally ill and as a result of your quadruple diagnosis you will ALWAYS struggle. Where life may come easier for others, that won't be the case for you. Not that you'd be without joy and blessings...it is just that you'll feel the rougher times that much more intensely. And then if the "mentally ill labels" are working against each other, well that's why we have to keep a careful eye on the ingredients in the "cocktails" you ingest.
Hmmm...as I read back through this I struggle to make sense of it. But I suppose that is the nature of my mind right now ~ struggling unclarity with a heavy dose of depression so that you really can't think. So lest I prove myself an "incompetent" soul I shall quit this entry now.
Welcome to my world....stop by for a drink or two now and again.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
How does a writer go more than two months without writing? And why? In some ways it is so hard for me to believe it has been that long and in other ways it feels like just yesterday I tapped out my last entry on these keys.
I sit here today after a couple months of beginning to feel healthier and healthier every day until now... The last two weeks I have felt the suffocating walls of depression begin to crush my spirit. And why?? This time I am not so sure. In fact I am so unsure that I am terrified. How does one fix something that they don't know where the "crack" is in the first place. I work so hard to stay on that level field of travelling through my journey, both physically and emotionally. The meds have worked wonders for the last couple months and now....something isn't right. Sure I have had a few challenging circumstances and situations to deal with as I wrestle through "this time of year" but I thought the meds would keep me from slipping into that pit of depression. I have several "supports" in place as I participate in weekly group sessions with those similar to myself. I see a psychiatrist once per week where I am able to "debrief" what is occuring in my life. And I have numerous people who love and support me as I journey closer and closer to finding that balance that will bring healing into my life. So why now? Why with everything in place am I fighting so hard?
Honestly I don't know the answer...what I do know is that I cry everyday again, I fight the urge to inflict harm upon myself, every day I have to force myself to get out of bed and face the day, I feel agitated and anixous and the movie is playing more frequently then it has in a long time....
I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday, perhaps she'll have some answers. Until then I'll keep forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other instead of crawling into that "hole" that looks so inviting.
I sit here today after a couple months of beginning to feel healthier and healthier every day until now... The last two weeks I have felt the suffocating walls of depression begin to crush my spirit. And why?? This time I am not so sure. In fact I am so unsure that I am terrified. How does one fix something that they don't know where the "crack" is in the first place. I work so hard to stay on that level field of travelling through my journey, both physically and emotionally. The meds have worked wonders for the last couple months and now....something isn't right. Sure I have had a few challenging circumstances and situations to deal with as I wrestle through "this time of year" but I thought the meds would keep me from slipping into that pit of depression. I have several "supports" in place as I participate in weekly group sessions with those similar to myself. I see a psychiatrist once per week where I am able to "debrief" what is occuring in my life. And I have numerous people who love and support me as I journey closer and closer to finding that balance that will bring healing into my life. So why now? Why with everything in place am I fighting so hard?
Honestly I don't know the answer...what I do know is that I cry everyday again, I fight the urge to inflict harm upon myself, every day I have to force myself to get out of bed and face the day, I feel agitated and anixous and the movie is playing more frequently then it has in a long time....
I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday, perhaps she'll have some answers. Until then I'll keep forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other instead of crawling into that "hole" that looks so inviting.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
May 21 ~ 1
It has been 3 weeks since my fingers last found a home within the confines of this blog...this very private journal of mine. I am still in the place where I can't read the previous entry because it is too painful...I am in a place where just typing here, taking the risk to be so "public" with my world, is creating a great deal of anxiety for me. I can feel my heart race, my limbs vibrate and my mind scream as I hit each and every key on this keyboard.
Many professionals have warned me against the ramifications of pouring out your soul, mind and heart for others to read and interpret as they wish...but yet, the writer in me feels the pull back into this world; despite the reservations and anxiety. I know the therapeutic benefits of writing so very well and I so desperately want to raise awareness and understanding.
Why is it that I want to raise awareness so desperately....why do I crave understanding of mental illness? Because if I can just draw you closer, help you understand mental illness as a whole then perhaps you may understand me better.
Many of my readers have questioned the inconsistencies in my writings as they struggle to "read between the lines" and discover what it is I am truly asking for, what I am really saying. They cry out with..."what are we supposed to believe"...one minute you say it is "hot" one minute it is "cold" all within a matter of a few moments of time. Yes, that is a "trademark feature" for Borderline Personality Disorder...that riding the roller coaster of unclarity. So, if you want to hop on for the ride you need to "buckle up" and expect the unexpected.
I think perhaps when I have more time I'll do an entry that defines the "labels" that I carry in relation to mental illness. But for now...I'll just leave it as my world is filled with inconsistencies and unknowns...you know how hard it is for you when you encounter it, imagine living with it every moment of your life....much more daunting.
I can't even say for sure in this moment how I am. As I struggle for control, so as not to chase those I love away, I have entered the world of "hiding" yet again. Underneath the surface of my character, my expression of my identity in this moment, are the fragile pieces that I try so desperately not to expose for fear that I'll hurt so intensely again. I keep myself busy enough for the most part to distract myself from my emotions...but the thoughts, they still spin and spiral anyway. It doesn't matter how busy I am the movie still plays. My psychiatrists say that is one of the goals for me....to slow it down to a more manageable level and to be able to express my thoughts and emotions without fear...we'll see.
My partner and I go for a joint session today. I spent a great deal of time at my last appointment going through the mixed emotions I feel with regards to this step. I know it is necessary...but that doesn't make it any easier. All I can do is grasp this moment, this opportunity and hope for the best. Perhaps this will take us on a healthier branch.....we'll see....
Many professionals have warned me against the ramifications of pouring out your soul, mind and heart for others to read and interpret as they wish...but yet, the writer in me feels the pull back into this world; despite the reservations and anxiety. I know the therapeutic benefits of writing so very well and I so desperately want to raise awareness and understanding.
Why is it that I want to raise awareness so desperately....why do I crave understanding of mental illness? Because if I can just draw you closer, help you understand mental illness as a whole then perhaps you may understand me better.
Many of my readers have questioned the inconsistencies in my writings as they struggle to "read between the lines" and discover what it is I am truly asking for, what I am really saying. They cry out with..."what are we supposed to believe"...one minute you say it is "hot" one minute it is "cold" all within a matter of a few moments of time. Yes, that is a "trademark feature" for Borderline Personality Disorder...that riding the roller coaster of unclarity. So, if you want to hop on for the ride you need to "buckle up" and expect the unexpected.
I think perhaps when I have more time I'll do an entry that defines the "labels" that I carry in relation to mental illness. But for now...I'll just leave it as my world is filled with inconsistencies and unknowns...you know how hard it is for you when you encounter it, imagine living with it every moment of your life....much more daunting.
I can't even say for sure in this moment how I am. As I struggle for control, so as not to chase those I love away, I have entered the world of "hiding" yet again. Underneath the surface of my character, my expression of my identity in this moment, are the fragile pieces that I try so desperately not to expose for fear that I'll hurt so intensely again. I keep myself busy enough for the most part to distract myself from my emotions...but the thoughts, they still spin and spiral anyway. It doesn't matter how busy I am the movie still plays. My psychiatrists say that is one of the goals for me....to slow it down to a more manageable level and to be able to express my thoughts and emotions without fear...we'll see.
My partner and I go for a joint session today. I spent a great deal of time at my last appointment going through the mixed emotions I feel with regards to this step. I know it is necessary...but that doesn't make it any easier. All I can do is grasp this moment, this opportunity and hope for the best. Perhaps this will take us on a healthier branch.....we'll see....
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Wear Purple ~ MAY 1st
May is Mental Health awareness month...
To show your support for those of us who live with Borderline Personality Disorder please wear purple tomorrow.
April 30 ~ 1
It has been a week since my fingers last tapped away here, in this place where I have opened myself up in the most vulnerable, intimate manner in order to give you a glimpse into "my world". The world of struggling day to day with mental illness. I have been so afraid of exposing my vulnerabilities here because over the course of the last couple weeks I have been burned far too often because of trusting those in my circle of support with the most intimate details of my life and with allowing them to be present with me during the most challenging and vulnerable experiences.
My heart is breaking as I struggle to bring light into this world of mine. I busy myself with "mindless tasks" like playing word games on the computer or rearranging things around the house. Keeping myself as busy as possible so that I don't have to think or feel...because the pain is so unbearable, it is as close to a living hell as you could imagine experiencing. I turn on my music, I shower, clean the house, open windows, let the sunshine shine in and permeate the darkness of my world...all in hopes of somehow fighting this incredible darkness that is so hard to bear with support, let alone in a place of feeling abandoned by those you thought were your greatest sources of support.
The tears pour as I write, I struggle to breathe as gut wrenching sobs overcome my body, the fear makes my heart race and my limbs are weak, devoid of the strength I need to carry myself. Last Friday I believed it couldn't possibly get worse than the emotions I was feeling and that it couldn't get darker than that darkness that overcame me...I was wrong.... This "I have to live this way because too many people depend on me" hell is by far worse...because I am facing it without my rocks...for they have turned to dust.
Abandonment...the greatest fear for those of us who struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is by far one of the stronger characteristics of this disease that we are inflicted with. And then trust...when you fear abandonment trusting is a hard thing to do. I trusted...I had faith...I believed...and I was wrong. I shouldn't have done so. I said to my psychiatrist and my family doctor that I trust too much or too little. If only trust wasn't the heart of my relationships. It is so vital for me that it truly is the heart, that which keeps relationship alive in my world...and without trust it is like trying to live without a heart ~ you won't survive for long.
My family doctor said he thought I was crazy for starting this blog. He believed I was opening myself up to being hurt and judged. I believed differently...until now. Perhaps I was wrong. I started this blog to give you all a window into my world, to hopefully give you perspective and help you understand what it means to live day to day with an illness that completely controls you and takes over all aspects of your life. An illness that is so incredibly debilitating at times, that is so hard to treat and that can create such devastation for the one who suffers and those who surround that person.
I have lived alone with this illness for far too long. I have felt misunderstood all my life. I have tried to mask and cover up this terrifying illness so that I could look less like the monster I feel I am inside. The years of suffering alone have left me weak and weary. I got to the place where I was no longer strong enough to fight alone...and so I slowly and gradually welcomed people into "my world" into seeing who I really am...the complete picture of Angela.
Opening myself up was absolutely terrifying for I feared that I would scare people away, that they wouldn't like or respect me anymore and that they would be repulsed by me and by my emotions, thoughts and actions...that the illness would create not only an internal living hell but an external living hell. And as the masks started to be put away and the protective barriers started to crumble I began to feel a brief sense of renewed strength...for I knew I was not alone in this journey, that I would be supported and carried when I couldn't do it on my own. And that yes, despite my illness and the ugliness that it brings into my life, that people could see deep inside of me the inner beauty that wanted to radiate.
I believed that for quite some time as I felt love come into my life in many forms. I was less afraid and willing to take some major steps. I was willing to face this demon that has stripped my life away piece by piece for nearly my entire lifetime...I was willing to stand up to it and say "you will not take my life from me...I choose life...I choose health...and I deserve to be loved, supported, safe, secure and happy". I will not let you take me as a victim anymore.
So with the support of those I trusted most intimately I began to face hurdle after hurdle of searching out the means to fight this illness...this demon. I began to take positive steps, BIG steps, frightening steps and very vulnerable steps towards finding that which I deserved...a healthier life. I began going to appointment after appointment, I read, researched, talked, shared, took meds, listened to others, sought out support and I completely opened myself up to feeling as I had never allowed myself to do and to facing some of my deepest fears and vulnerabilities.
As I became more vulnerable, the fear became more intense. And in contrast to what felt like HUGE steps on my part those around me kept expecting more. They wanted that "quick fix'...the magic pill...the magic wand...that would make me "snap out of it". They became less and less interested in understanding and more and more consumed with "why isn't this working...why aren't you doing more...why can't you". The negatives were firing at rapid speed from the mouths of others while the positives were left unsaid in the dust from the damage the negatives were doing to my spirit, my being. And soon I became harder and harder to support. I felt it all slipping away...I felt everyone's frustration and impatience...I felt the focus shift from what I was doing to what I wasn't doing...in the minds of others and then ultimately in the mind of myself. My support system was crumbling...and the more desperately I reached out to try and piece it back together, the heavier the pieces became, until I couldn't do it anymore. I want to be alone I said...why...because I truly want to be alone? No, if you understood my illness you would know that isn't what I wanted or needed...I spoke what I wanted or needed but the words were only whispers caught up in the commotion of everything else...and all people heard was she wants to be alone. I wanted to feel safe, secure, understood, supported and I wanted to know that I could count on the heart to keep beating ~ the trust to remain...I wanted to know that I could expose my vulnerabilities in my time when I felt safe to do so. I wanted my story to go at my pace; I wanted the "expectations" to be replaced by the acknowledgment of the steps that were taken. I wanted to be recognized for the steps toward healing I was taking, I wanted to be trusted and have others trust the professionals to give me the "you need to, we should work on, if you woulds..." and have those who committed to supporting me do just that, support me.
What I needed from my sources of support were some vital ingredients that didn't feel like they were being met as people became more consumed with the illness and its affects and less consumed with Angela as a real person, not just an illness. I needed people to not tell my story and let me share in my time with whom I feel safe to do so... to not judge, to listen instead...to not expect perfection, instead recognize steps taken...to understand and ask supportive questions when they didn't...to support myself and those around me without making me feel like I was less than or a failure because I was hurting those around me...to recognize that the illness is what hurts those around me, not Angela...the illness controls me, I don't control it.
The "heart" left many of my relationships over the course of the last several weeks. And as hard as I tried to fight to keep it going, I just couldn't. The illness, the demon, was taking victims at rapid speed. And as the illness victimized those around me the darker my world became...until hope was lost.
I don't know if I will ever get better...will I get healthier, I hope so...will I hopefully have more lighter days than darker days, I hope so...will I hopefully bring more joy than sorrow into the lives of others, I hope so...will I feel more in control and less controlled by this illness, I hope so... We don't know. There are no guarantees. The best that we can hope for is to try...to take advantage of all support offered, to follow steps recommended based on pathways that have been "blazed" by others, to take the medications that will hopefully provide more rest and balance, to listen and openly share in the most intimate and vulnerable ways in hopes that an answer can be found somewhere in amongst the piles.
Monday I had the first visit with a psychiatrist that will be treating me for the next two months. I can't tell you in words alone how terrifying it is for me to know that she is only here for two months and after that she will move on, and yes, I fear that I will feel abandoned as a result. To know that I have to openly trust, share and have faith in her yet she is going to leave sooner rather than later. That is definitely challenging for me. But despite that I sat down and poured out the terrifying details of the spiraling pit of darkness that this illness has created in my life lately. Right down to the details you really don't want to speak, but know you have to. She recognized the many double-edged swords for me. Especially the one where I am so aware, which she says is a huge blessing for me because many people take months or years of therapy to get to the awareness point I am at, but that the awareness is also a curse because as aware as I am I still can't just fix it. I can't "snap out of it", "release it" like many want me to be able to do, like I wish I could. It just isn't possible because "it" is a part of my illness. I have wondered myself and have been encouraged to by others to pursue "getting away for a bit", basically checking into the hospital. After sharing with my psychiatrist the intimate details of how close I have been to death's door I asked her what she thought about hospitalization with regards to me. I was surprised by her answer, because so many are convinced it is the "best answer" for me right now; she said that she thinks it would do more harm than good at this point for me. That because I have so much support in place that it is best for me to remain at home...that the hospital is an awful place to be (which I already knew). Sure, there are days where I'd like to escape all this...but not the physical stuff, the day to day routine instead I want to "escape" the emotional side of all this and unfortunately that will never go away it will always be with me and without the day to day routine it is even more prevalent. So yes, despite feeling suffocated by emotions and wanting an escape, I too agree that the hospital is likely not the answer at this point.
So here I sit...feeling abandoned by those I needed most. Left in this dark pit of living hell where those who still brave the world of Angela are carrying heavier loads as they try and keep me afloat. As I try and "kick in" my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the manic side of my Bipolar Disorder in order to somehow make it through the day and not let the Depression side of the Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder take over my being, and not let the fears from the Borderline Personality Disorder consume me and not let the severely debilitating anxiety from the Anxiety Disorder prevent me from coping. Yes, I am grasping at light within this living hell of my world crumbling around me...and somehow we are making it at least until the physical darkness of night comes or until I stop and think and feel...ugh...gotta avoid that at all costs right now. Just keep moving...keep doing....keep being "supermom" even if I stumble and get my cape dirty.
So yes, as my psychiatrist said...we will take this very slowly. Change will not happen over night and it will be a lot of work. And for those who are willing to understand and support me, I am thankful because they make it a little less frightening and a little more manageable. For those who have chosen to walk away, I am sad...and confused...and really hurt...sad that you couldn't hear me, sad that you couldn't understand, confused that what I had with you all wasn't what I thought it was, and hurt that you gave up...and in essence when I needed you most, when I needed light most I ended up feeling my greatest fear ~ abandonment.
This is an illness...I can't just "snap out of it"...can't change overnight...and can't change the way the illness makes me think and feel...I can try to get help...I can try and do this challenging work of changing some of my actions...and I can take it one step at a time...this will be a daily battle for me for the rest of my life. I will fight the demon that this illness is for every moment of my life, with every breath I take. And some days I'll win, other days the illness may be stronger...hopefully one day I'll win more than not. But until then it is one small step at a time. Just as you wouldn't say to a diabetic "eat this cake and don't have a reaction", you can't say to me "don't think that, don't feel that, it isn't that way ~ you see it wrong"...because what I see, think and feel and A LOT of what I do is controlled by the illness. One day maybe I'll be strong enough to occasionally control the illness instead of it controlling me...but until then I'll have to take it one step at a time as I search for more clarity, understanding and tools.
My heart is breaking as I struggle to bring light into this world of mine. I busy myself with "mindless tasks" like playing word games on the computer or rearranging things around the house. Keeping myself as busy as possible so that I don't have to think or feel...because the pain is so unbearable, it is as close to a living hell as you could imagine experiencing. I turn on my music, I shower, clean the house, open windows, let the sunshine shine in and permeate the darkness of my world...all in hopes of somehow fighting this incredible darkness that is so hard to bear with support, let alone in a place of feeling abandoned by those you thought were your greatest sources of support.
The tears pour as I write, I struggle to breathe as gut wrenching sobs overcome my body, the fear makes my heart race and my limbs are weak, devoid of the strength I need to carry myself. Last Friday I believed it couldn't possibly get worse than the emotions I was feeling and that it couldn't get darker than that darkness that overcame me...I was wrong.... This "I have to live this way because too many people depend on me" hell is by far worse...because I am facing it without my rocks...for they have turned to dust.
Abandonment...the greatest fear for those of us who struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is by far one of the stronger characteristics of this disease that we are inflicted with. And then trust...when you fear abandonment trusting is a hard thing to do. I trusted...I had faith...I believed...and I was wrong. I shouldn't have done so. I said to my psychiatrist and my family doctor that I trust too much or too little. If only trust wasn't the heart of my relationships. It is so vital for me that it truly is the heart, that which keeps relationship alive in my world...and without trust it is like trying to live without a heart ~ you won't survive for long.
My family doctor said he thought I was crazy for starting this blog. He believed I was opening myself up to being hurt and judged. I believed differently...until now. Perhaps I was wrong. I started this blog to give you all a window into my world, to hopefully give you perspective and help you understand what it means to live day to day with an illness that completely controls you and takes over all aspects of your life. An illness that is so incredibly debilitating at times, that is so hard to treat and that can create such devastation for the one who suffers and those who surround that person.
I have lived alone with this illness for far too long. I have felt misunderstood all my life. I have tried to mask and cover up this terrifying illness so that I could look less like the monster I feel I am inside. The years of suffering alone have left me weak and weary. I got to the place where I was no longer strong enough to fight alone...and so I slowly and gradually welcomed people into "my world" into seeing who I really am...the complete picture of Angela.
Opening myself up was absolutely terrifying for I feared that I would scare people away, that they wouldn't like or respect me anymore and that they would be repulsed by me and by my emotions, thoughts and actions...that the illness would create not only an internal living hell but an external living hell. And as the masks started to be put away and the protective barriers started to crumble I began to feel a brief sense of renewed strength...for I knew I was not alone in this journey, that I would be supported and carried when I couldn't do it on my own. And that yes, despite my illness and the ugliness that it brings into my life, that people could see deep inside of me the inner beauty that wanted to radiate.
I believed that for quite some time as I felt love come into my life in many forms. I was less afraid and willing to take some major steps. I was willing to face this demon that has stripped my life away piece by piece for nearly my entire lifetime...I was willing to stand up to it and say "you will not take my life from me...I choose life...I choose health...and I deserve to be loved, supported, safe, secure and happy". I will not let you take me as a victim anymore.
So with the support of those I trusted most intimately I began to face hurdle after hurdle of searching out the means to fight this illness...this demon. I began to take positive steps, BIG steps, frightening steps and very vulnerable steps towards finding that which I deserved...a healthier life. I began going to appointment after appointment, I read, researched, talked, shared, took meds, listened to others, sought out support and I completely opened myself up to feeling as I had never allowed myself to do and to facing some of my deepest fears and vulnerabilities.
As I became more vulnerable, the fear became more intense. And in contrast to what felt like HUGE steps on my part those around me kept expecting more. They wanted that "quick fix'...the magic pill...the magic wand...that would make me "snap out of it". They became less and less interested in understanding and more and more consumed with "why isn't this working...why aren't you doing more...why can't you". The negatives were firing at rapid speed from the mouths of others while the positives were left unsaid in the dust from the damage the negatives were doing to my spirit, my being. And soon I became harder and harder to support. I felt it all slipping away...I felt everyone's frustration and impatience...I felt the focus shift from what I was doing to what I wasn't doing...in the minds of others and then ultimately in the mind of myself. My support system was crumbling...and the more desperately I reached out to try and piece it back together, the heavier the pieces became, until I couldn't do it anymore. I want to be alone I said...why...because I truly want to be alone? No, if you understood my illness you would know that isn't what I wanted or needed...I spoke what I wanted or needed but the words were only whispers caught up in the commotion of everything else...and all people heard was she wants to be alone. I wanted to feel safe, secure, understood, supported and I wanted to know that I could count on the heart to keep beating ~ the trust to remain...I wanted to know that I could expose my vulnerabilities in my time when I felt safe to do so. I wanted my story to go at my pace; I wanted the "expectations" to be replaced by the acknowledgment of the steps that were taken. I wanted to be recognized for the steps toward healing I was taking, I wanted to be trusted and have others trust the professionals to give me the "you need to, we should work on, if you woulds..." and have those who committed to supporting me do just that, support me.
What I needed from my sources of support were some vital ingredients that didn't feel like they were being met as people became more consumed with the illness and its affects and less consumed with Angela as a real person, not just an illness. I needed people to not tell my story and let me share in my time with whom I feel safe to do so... to not judge, to listen instead...to not expect perfection, instead recognize steps taken...to understand and ask supportive questions when they didn't...to support myself and those around me without making me feel like I was less than or a failure because I was hurting those around me...to recognize that the illness is what hurts those around me, not Angela...the illness controls me, I don't control it.
The "heart" left many of my relationships over the course of the last several weeks. And as hard as I tried to fight to keep it going, I just couldn't. The illness, the demon, was taking victims at rapid speed. And as the illness victimized those around me the darker my world became...until hope was lost.
I don't know if I will ever get better...will I get healthier, I hope so...will I hopefully have more lighter days than darker days, I hope so...will I hopefully bring more joy than sorrow into the lives of others, I hope so...will I feel more in control and less controlled by this illness, I hope so... We don't know. There are no guarantees. The best that we can hope for is to try...to take advantage of all support offered, to follow steps recommended based on pathways that have been "blazed" by others, to take the medications that will hopefully provide more rest and balance, to listen and openly share in the most intimate and vulnerable ways in hopes that an answer can be found somewhere in amongst the piles.
Monday I had the first visit with a psychiatrist that will be treating me for the next two months. I can't tell you in words alone how terrifying it is for me to know that she is only here for two months and after that she will move on, and yes, I fear that I will feel abandoned as a result. To know that I have to openly trust, share and have faith in her yet she is going to leave sooner rather than later. That is definitely challenging for me. But despite that I sat down and poured out the terrifying details of the spiraling pit of darkness that this illness has created in my life lately. Right down to the details you really don't want to speak, but know you have to. She recognized the many double-edged swords for me. Especially the one where I am so aware, which she says is a huge blessing for me because many people take months or years of therapy to get to the awareness point I am at, but that the awareness is also a curse because as aware as I am I still can't just fix it. I can't "snap out of it", "release it" like many want me to be able to do, like I wish I could. It just isn't possible because "it" is a part of my illness. I have wondered myself and have been encouraged to by others to pursue "getting away for a bit", basically checking into the hospital. After sharing with my psychiatrist the intimate details of how close I have been to death's door I asked her what she thought about hospitalization with regards to me. I was surprised by her answer, because so many are convinced it is the "best answer" for me right now; she said that she thinks it would do more harm than good at this point for me. That because I have so much support in place that it is best for me to remain at home...that the hospital is an awful place to be (which I already knew). Sure, there are days where I'd like to escape all this...but not the physical stuff, the day to day routine instead I want to "escape" the emotional side of all this and unfortunately that will never go away it will always be with me and without the day to day routine it is even more prevalent. So yes, despite feeling suffocated by emotions and wanting an escape, I too agree that the hospital is likely not the answer at this point.
So here I sit...feeling abandoned by those I needed most. Left in this dark pit of living hell where those who still brave the world of Angela are carrying heavier loads as they try and keep me afloat. As I try and "kick in" my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and the manic side of my Bipolar Disorder in order to somehow make it through the day and not let the Depression side of the Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder take over my being, and not let the fears from the Borderline Personality Disorder consume me and not let the severely debilitating anxiety from the Anxiety Disorder prevent me from coping. Yes, I am grasping at light within this living hell of my world crumbling around me...and somehow we are making it at least until the physical darkness of night comes or until I stop and think and feel...ugh...gotta avoid that at all costs right now. Just keep moving...keep doing....keep being "supermom" even if I stumble and get my cape dirty.
So yes, as my psychiatrist said...we will take this very slowly. Change will not happen over night and it will be a lot of work. And for those who are willing to understand and support me, I am thankful because they make it a little less frightening and a little more manageable. For those who have chosen to walk away, I am sad...and confused...and really hurt...sad that you couldn't hear me, sad that you couldn't understand, confused that what I had with you all wasn't what I thought it was, and hurt that you gave up...and in essence when I needed you most, when I needed light most I ended up feeling my greatest fear ~ abandonment.
This is an illness...I can't just "snap out of it"...can't change overnight...and can't change the way the illness makes me think and feel...I can try to get help...I can try and do this challenging work of changing some of my actions...and I can take it one step at a time...this will be a daily battle for me for the rest of my life. I will fight the demon that this illness is for every moment of my life, with every breath I take. And some days I'll win, other days the illness may be stronger...hopefully one day I'll win more than not. But until then it is one small step at a time. Just as you wouldn't say to a diabetic "eat this cake and don't have a reaction", you can't say to me "don't think that, don't feel that, it isn't that way ~ you see it wrong"...because what I see, think and feel and A LOT of what I do is controlled by the illness. One day maybe I'll be strong enough to occasionally control the illness instead of it controlling me...but until then I'll have to take it one step at a time as I search for more clarity, understanding and tools.
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