How does a writer go more than two months without writing? And why? In some ways it is so hard for me to believe it has been that long and in other ways it feels like just yesterday I tapped out my last entry on these keys.



I sit here today after a couple months of beginning to feel healthier and healthier every day until now... The last two weeks I have felt the suffocating walls of depression begin to crush my spirit. And why?? This time I am not so sure. In fact I am so unsure that I am terrified. How does one fix something that they don't know where the "crack" is in the first place. I work so hard to stay on that level field of travelling through my journey, both physically and emotionally. The meds have worked wonders for the last couple months and now....something isn't right. Sure I have had a few challenging circumstances and situations to deal with as I wrestle through "this time of year" but I thought the meds would keep me from slipping into that pit of depression. I have several "supports" in place as I participate in weekly group sessions with those similar to myself. I see a psychiatrist once per week where I am able to "debrief" what is occuring in my life. And I have numerous people who love and support me as I journey closer and closer to finding that balance that will bring healing into my life. So why now? Why with everything in place am I fighting so hard?



Honestly I don't know the answer...what I do know is that I cry everyday again, I fight the urge to inflict harm upon myself, every day I have to force myself to get out of bed and face the day, I feel agitated and anixous and the movie is playing more frequently then it has in a long time....



I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday, perhaps she'll have some answers. Until then I'll keep forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other instead of crawling into that "hole" that looks so inviting.