May 21 ~ 1

It has been 3 weeks since my fingers last found a home within the confines of this blog...this very private journal of mine. I am still in the place where I can't read the previous entry because it is too painful...I am in a place where just typing here, taking the risk to be so "public" with my world, is creating a great deal of anxiety for me. I can feel my heart race, my limbs vibrate and my mind scream as I hit each and every key on this keyboard.

Many professionals have warned me against the ramifications of pouring out your soul, mind and heart for others to read and interpret as they wish...but yet, the writer in me feels the pull back into this world; despite the reservations and anxiety. I know the therapeutic benefits of writing so very well and I so desperately want to raise awareness and understanding.

Why is it that I want to raise awareness so desperately....why do I crave understanding of mental illness? Because if I can just draw you closer, help you understand mental illness as a whole then perhaps you may understand me better.

Many of my readers have questioned the inconsistencies in my writings as they struggle to "read between the lines" and discover what it is I am truly asking for, what I am really saying. They cry out with..."what are we supposed to believe"...one minute you say it is "hot" one minute it is "cold" all within a matter of a few moments of time. Yes, that is a "trademark feature" for Borderline Personality Disorder...that riding the roller coaster of unclarity. So, if you want to hop on for the ride you need to "buckle up" and expect the unexpected.

I think perhaps when I have more time I'll do an entry that defines the "labels" that I carry in relation to mental illness. But for now...I'll just leave it as my world is filled with inconsistencies and unknowns...you know how hard it is for you when you encounter it, imagine living with it every moment of your life....much more daunting.

I can't even say for sure in this moment how I am. As I struggle for control, so as not to chase those I love away, I have entered the world of "hiding" yet again. Underneath the surface of my character, my expression of my identity in this moment, are the fragile pieces that I try so desperately not to expose for fear that I'll hurt so intensely again. I keep myself busy enough for the most part to distract myself from my emotions...but the thoughts, they still spin and spiral anyway. It doesn't matter how busy I am the movie still plays. My psychiatrists say that is one of the goals for me....to slow it down to a more manageable level and to be able to express my thoughts and emotions without fear...we'll see.

My partner and I go for a joint session today. I spent a great deal of time at my last appointment going through the mixed emotions I feel with regards to this step. I know it is necessary...but that doesn't make it any easier. All I can do is grasp this moment, this opportunity and hope for the best. Perhaps this will take us on a healthier branch.....we'll see....