April 16 ~ 2

What I wouldn't give to be able to shut out the spinning thoughts, the barrage of feelings that consume my being. How I'd love to be "normal" and be able to stop the intensity that I feel...because right now it hurts so much. My heart is breaking; I can almost feel it crushing inside my chest. The tears flow freely as the emotions overwhelm me. This state between conscious realistic thoughts and the suffocating emotions that seem so hard to fight brings about that sense of hopelessness, the need to escape. It is in this place that I feel so very alone, as if nobody else could possibly understand what I am feeling. Craving anything that will make the pain stop. Those temporarily soothing items taunt me, calling out to me to help me escape this feeling of losing control. Of wanting the pain to stop and not being able to make it stop.

They say people with BPD feel things with more intensity and are more sensitive than others who don't suffer from the Mental Illness that inflicts us. It is said that you should take your worst possible feeling and multiply it by three and then you might come close to what we feel on a daily basis. Let alone a time of what seems to be an overwhelming emotional crisis.

I try so hard to fight the negative thoughts with the positive ones...but the negative ones seem so much stronger. They fire at me in rapid speed, taking away my sense of reality, my ability to cope.

Tonight hurts in that deep cutting way...the place where you know you have failed. Where you have let down those you love more than anything in this world. The thoughts that perhaps they'd be better off without you seem to speak volumes. You begin to question if that would make it all better. But...you aren't so sure. You are swinging like a pendulum, unsure of where you are going to stop.

Oh, the physical pain hurts far less then this horrific emotional pain. Just a moments reprieve...just enough to help me cope. You crave that brief moment of escape. The calm that overcomes as the sharpness pierces my skin, taking away the feeling of suffocating...a release from that feeling as if you might explode from the intensity of the emotions you are feeling.

You hate yourself, berate yourself for all you have done wrong. Don't believe that you are worthy and can't understand your purpose anymore. You feel as if you are destroying everything in your wake...yourself and those you love...anyone that happens to briefly touch you. Others try and tell you that it is the illness taking over; you try and tell yourself that as you listen to their words that proclaim your worth, your value and that you are loved. But your doubt is stronger...how can someone so horrible and so broken be loved.

Please...just a moment's peace. Take it away.

Rest isn't possible, not that it has been for the last couple days. Stupid medication...and its supposed to help. You wonder if you should just give up. But what if...

How strong am I supposed to be...in mind, spirit and heart? I am not sure I am strong enough...