April 14 ~ 3

The "record" playing over and over in my head today is saying ~ "I am more than an illness".

Yes, I AM more than an illness.

Facing a chronic or long-term illness is a very personal thing. This is the case regardless of what type of illness, but most especially true when the illness is mental illness because of the stigma and vast array of misunderstanding related to it.

I have welcomed into my world...my mind, heart and spirit in its most vulnerable of places...a few trusted individuals to walk along side me and share this very personal journey. Doing so took a great amount of courage for me...to trust people with the depth I have and to expose my most vulnerable pieces of my identity to them. I did so with the belief that these trusted individuals would be able to clearly see me as a complete person, a person first, and not just as an illness.

Now today I have played over and over in my head whether or not I should have done so...whether I was right to trust. Because at this point I am getting a significant feeling that they are having difficulty seeing me as more than an illness...it seems as if the illness is always forefront in their minds and is what is greatly influencing their thoughts and actions.

This saddens me...hurts me to the core of my being. Because even through the darkness I am able to see that I am more than an illness. I am a complete person who has multiple pieces that comprise my identity. Yes, the illness is a significant part of who I am...but it isn't everything. Not every thought, word or action in my life is related to my illness and despite the challenges that the illness brings into my life, and the lives of others, it doesn't mean that every thought, word or action is irrational or distorted because of my illness. And it doesn't discount your personal responsibility for your thoughts, words and actions...it isn't the ultimate "scapegoat".

I AM more than an illness.