April 22 ~ 1

Breathe...Angela breathe....I have been telling myself that a lot lately. And now as I sit down to write and try and calm my spinning body and mind I need to intently focus on exactly that before I can put any coherency to my thoughts.

Last night was awful...actually the last several days have been absolutely horrific. I have never felt so close to "death's door" as I have in the moments I have tried to live through the past few days. The calmness that would come over me was eerie like...as if I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the only way out of this misery was to end it myself and give up. My spirit was consumed with grief and fear as I felt everything slipping away from me. When emotions came to me, they came in a ravaging storm of unrelenting sobs and cries out. Crying out for what...for life...for death...for peace...for understanding.

My writings have been very repetitious lately as I have struggled immensely with that feeling of not being understood and losing trust in those I need to be able to trust the most...those who are significant sources of support for me. I know my mind, heart and spirit need to feel heard, need to feel understood...I have called out what I need, I have openly shared my needs, my struggles and my challenges...yet I am feeling like nobody is listening. What is it going to take for me to feel heard?

To share the intimacy of a journey towards a healthier life with someone who suffers from mental illness requires a great deal from those who are a part of that support system and not only from the person them self. I feel like as much as those who support me surround me, that I am doing all the work. That it is only I who needs to look at change...and in truth, health within my relationships will require change from everyone involved, not just myself. I have written and spoken areas of need, areas where support can be most effective...yet that so frequently goes unanswered, unheard or unnoticed.

It is so incredibly difficult to live life. To feel your own self slip away into that pit of darkness that consumes all of your spirit, all of your fight for life. The darkness that sucks your breath away...It is the place where you feel utterly and completely alone. As if the light will never shine again.

For me, those feelings most often have come throughout my journey when I feel my sources of support slipping away, the people and the "vices". As if I am held up by strings that keep me going and as each string is cut, I begin to fall...fall into that deep, dark, pit.

Yes, I know many of you reading this are likely saying to yourselves...but she wants to be alone...she told us to leave her alone...and yes, I have tried contacting her anyway.

Yes, I wanted to be alone...not because I crave this tormenting time of aloneness, although some time alone is good, but because in order to be able to embrace the support of others, I NEED to be able to trust, I NEED to feel understood and heard and I NEED to be seen as a complete person; not just as the negative aspects of an illness that yes, is taking over and consuming my life as it sucks everything out of me...as I slip away.

Yes...slip away into that place where choosing life is too hard...because it is too hard to do it alone...and too hard to do it with others.