April 22 ~ 2

Most days I spend unsure of my own identity. Unsure of whom I truly am at the root of all this complex wiring that creates my brain...my identity through my struggles with mental illness. Having multiple labels only makes this identity struggle that much greater, because truly every day is completely different for me. Every situation is often viewed from multiple facets...quite like a kaleidoscope. That kaleidoscope is my perception of the world and my emotional responses to life...ever shifting, ever changing and never predictable.

This perhaps makes being in a relationship with me that much more challenging. BPD in itself is responsible for a large portion of that lack of identity and ever changing reactions and perceptions. The DSM-IV-TR diagnostic traits confirm that this is a significant part of the illness. So, already with one mental illness alone I am likely to face such struggles. Add to that the three other suspected / diagnosed mental illnesses and it is no wonder I so often feel lost and out of control; because my life is constantly changing.

The OCD in me struggles desperately to maintain control in any way possible; through scheduling, orderliness of my household, structure and routine while the Bipolar and BPD in me are in stark contrast with their impulsivity and chaotic and unpredictable mood swings. Then to top it all off you throw in the anxiety which makes coping with life that much more difficult.

No wonder I feel like I am on a spiraling roller coaster where I can't see the remotest semblance of my destination. It would be like hopping in your car and driving for miles in search of a place you have never been to, that you have absolutely no directions to get there and you have to make it there intact, healthy and in a timely fashion...not possible. Any person would end up driving in circles, branching off in bizarre directions and then giving up with the feeling of hopelessness as you are lost and see no ability to reach your destination.

I spent a large part of the day in a Manic / OCD state where those characteristics dominated over the dark depression that I am feeling. The darkness where I have found myself lately because of the BPD characteristics that have greatly influenced the severity of my emotions. The place where I am sure that the best option for me would be to not exist. So my spirit "kicked in" to survival mode and I was sent into the spiraling, speedy emotions related to mania, and the "I must get this done immediately and without any mistakes" OCD tendency had me desperately trying to maintain order so that I could accomplish the day's tasks.

And now...actually since just before dinner tonight...I am slipping back into that darkness. Exhausted from the day's events and accomplishments and wanting to curl up into a ball and sob. Express this heart wrenching grief that is shadowing me right now. Cry out for answers, for hope, for help...and for clarity.

To find clarity...what a gift that would be. Considering the "mixing pot" of labels I have, that likely isn't possible. So, perhaps the gift of being able to cope and somewhere in the jumble find some semblance of Angela's identity is more attainable.

It is no wonder I feel like nobody understands me, I don't understand myself. What a challenging and scary place to be...

Well...I'll leave it at that...we'll see what tomorrow has in store for me...I know at this point I feel drawn towards spending the day in bed.