My morning began, upon dropping the kids off at school, with a greeting of "how are you doing Angela?" To which I replied, "I have had a better life". That is exactly how I feel in this moment....that I have had a better life, not sure when I did or maybe it hasn't yet come....all I know is I am not so happy with this life I have right now.
It is no wonder so many people who struggle with mental illness give up. I know exactly how they feel. As if there is no way out of this spiraling pit of emptiness, grief, frustration, destruction and then those constant thoughts of "I am not good enough"...."I am not worthy". Yes, many of us feel as if we aren't even worthy of the breath we take. What a terrifying place to be....to be so filled with sadness and fear, to feel so completely broken and worthless. To truly question "is it really worth it"?
Yet, many of us still put one foot in front of the other, trying to make it through yet another day in hopes that there is something much more peaceful and love filled out there for us. Clinging to that faint glimmer of hope that this devastating pit is not all that life has in store for us.
So yes, we go on. Not without bumps, bruises and pain just to get through the day. We so desperately crave for this to end. How we want to feel loved, worthy and truly supported. Yet because of our feeling of unworthiness and brokenness we end up pushing away that which we crave so desperately. What a vicious, spiraling cycle that is. To want so desperately to be loved, needed, wanted and supported and when faced with that prospect to fear it so greatly, to fear the risk of abandonment so greatly, that we push it away. Pushing so hard until the person gives up and yes, our abandonment is confirmed. This is a constant debilitating struggle for me on a daily basis.
How I long to be truly loved and accepted..............yet how I fear it so immensely at the same time.......because after all you may end up seeing what I already know about myself.
I am scared......I am sad......and in this moment I am feeling so completely alone........and filled with such self hatred.....yes, it is no wonder many give up....because this is torture.
About Me
- Angela
- A caring, loving woman filled with passion who struggles on a daily basis with the challenges of living with Mental Illness. This blog will be about my journey of discovery as I emerge into the light....to hopefully a healthier place through entering the world of Mental Illness treatment and management on a daily basis. Parts of this blog will be very dark...just as living with a broken mind and fragile spirit can be very dark. And then there will be entries, like days along my journey, that are filled with light and hope. Join me, hold my hand, "listen" and experience the journey of living with mental illness. It is my hope that this blog will provide insight that will reduce the stigma and will provide a realistic picture of what people with mental illness may face on a regular basis.
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