April 13 ~ 2

Hmmm....you'd think 2 hours of mowing foot high grass would somehow alleviate some of my frustration, anger, anxiety and sadness....but no such luck.

I am exhausted today, feeling very weary and hurt. Perhaps it is the knowledge that people are talking about me constantly behind my back. They do it in the name of love and support....if only they could realize how much it hurts when my story is shared without my knowledge. If only they knew how betrayed I felt, how judged such actions make me feel. These conversations swirling around in the name of love and support that happen as if the real person I am doesn't exist. The jaggedness of such conversations and sharing of information is perhaps one of the reasons it hurts so much....you aren't with me on a daily basis, you aren't in my mind, heart and spirit....so how can you truly know what the complete picture is? It is but a brief snapshot and only a piece of what comprises who I am and how I am "doing". Interestingly enough these conversations, snapshots of "Angela's life", consist mostly of the negative things, the negative or less desirable occurrences during the week and not the successes and challenges. If only you could hear what I hear when you come at me with "you shouldn't...", "you know better", "if you can't, then we will make the healthy decisions". Wait....have you forgotten my accomplishments, the hurdles I have overcome, the successes I have experienced? Did you forget that I diligently take my meds, that I spent quality time this week with my daughter reading her a chapter book, that I made it through the week without going back to bed after dropping off the kids, that I have experienced less episodes (despite some very challenging and devastating news), that I faced devastating news with strength and turned to others for support...yes, in the end I did turn to the less healthy alternatives, but many, not just the mentally ill, would do the same in such circumstances of sadness, grief and fear. If only you knew how much more ill it makes me feel when you challenge my ability as a mother (the one thing I believe I do right, with greater success than most despite my illness)....if only you knew how much it hurts when your support makes me feel judged and treated like an incompetent, irrational child.

Absolutely I understand your own personal fears, doubts, questions and concerns and that you do truly believe you are coming from a place of love and support. But reading one book, or perusing internet articles, witnessing an episode first hand or sharing a conversation or two with me or someone else who suffers from a mental illness does not make you an expert on my life. On what is best for me. Only I know myself best, and truthfully only I know what is best for my family....only I experience living with this illness every moment of every day that I face....so please, recognize that, recognize my strengths and my accomplishments, not only my weaknesses and my challenges.

Hold me, love me, support me, walk with me and experience all that this journey encompasses with me.......but remember each moment is but a brief synopsis in the life of someone who faces mental illness every moment....not just in that moment, whether it be a moment of weakness or strength. And remember, it is my story to share.....despite the illness I am capable and I will, and have, ask for support and your "suggestions/input" when I am ready to hear it. Because to tell me "what is best"...."what I should do".....or to threaten to take my control, my ability to make choices away.....only feeds the vicious cycle of my illness.

As a dear friend, who also faces the challenges of living with mental illness, said to me today....."nobody knows what we face on a daily basis, they will never completely understand".

How I wish you could.....