April 21 ~ 1

When I sat down at the computer this morning I was unsure of whether or not I was going to write. After less than four hours of sleep, yet feeling very much awake, and a night filled with intense heartache I was unsure of whether or not I wanted to pour my heart out here. The feeling that there are many of you who don't understand, whom I don't want to share with anymore, is in stark contrast with my need to write...my need to write won out this time.

I cannot fully express that spiraling intensity of emotions that overcomes me when I reach that breaking point. The pain is far more than words alone can describe. Building up to it is much like fueling an active volcano until it erupts. And when it erupts it "burns" everything in its path, including the volcano itself. I try so hard to prevent the "fueling" from occurring by reaching out, expressing the thoughts and feelings that are piling up inside my mind, body, heart and spirit. But nobody seems to notice; nobody seems to get it. Perhaps it is because those things seem trivial to others, perhaps they just don't notice my cries for support and comfort, perhaps they see a solution or figure "we'll cross that bridge when we get there" so they think it is futile discussing it at this point. Unfortunately my mind doesn't work that way. Unlike people whom have healthier minds, I can't just let it go or focus on the positive. It all builds up in me...the thoughts, feelings, interactions and "future pictures" all stay with me for considerably longer than most people. In fact, my mind is constantly full of past memories and future "what ifs". I don't have the same off switch or release that you do. Instead I put those thoughts and feelings out there, hoping to process some of them so that they will become less powerful, but nobody picks up on them.

"You aren't being clear"..."ask for what you want"..."but you said"..."I'll never understand"..."I can never do anything right"...those statements are thrown at me on a regular basis, sometimes spoken and sometimes unspoken. If I could think and feel with clarity, don't you think I would speak and act with clarity? Have you ever felt so confused in your life that you weren't sure what the "right" answer, thought or feeling was? Well, that's how I feel every minute of every day. I wish I could play the "movie" in my head for you...maybe then you'd understand...but perhaps not...it seems as if the only people who understand are those who have experienced the same feeling. Will people with "healthier" minds and hearts ever understand or am I truly destined to a life of misunderstanding?

I write, I express...but nobody hears, nobody truly understands. This misunderstanding hurts so much. Your response to my thoughts and feelings feels like you didn't hear or read the words I spoke or wrote. You pick up on the easier pieces to understand, but don't understand the pieces that run far deeper within, the pieces that are fueling that volcano. Why? What is wrong with me, that even when I try to tell you how I am feeling, how I am thinking, you don't understand?

Despite the incredibly intense spiraling thoughts and emotions from this weekend there is a calm that has come over me. Perhaps related to masking, letting go, finding the clarity of escape...or what. I can feel that just under the surface lie those thoughts and emotions that destroy my being...but I just don't want to feel them.

I want PEACE instead...yes, peace.