April 13 ~ 3

I am scared....no terrified...there truly is no other way to most accurately describe how I feel. I feel so alone, like nobody in the world will ever understand me, let alone be able to support me in the areas that seem less challenging, even if they can't in the more challenging areas.

In 25 hours I will be going to the eye doctor's to find out if the drops are helping. I am not so sure I want the answer to that one. My mind, spirit and heart are filled with absolute terror regarding the worst possible situation....that eventually I'll lose all my eyesight.

What I wouldn't give to be a more "normal" person and not feel so consumed by the worst case scenario. To be able to easily have the faith and the belief that whatever I am handed I will be able to handle.

Instead I end up being one of those people who struggle to cope. Craving love and support while at the same time pushing it away, because after all I am broken.

It has been a difficult night as I struggle through all of this on top of my illness and what felt like a very challenging and judgmental day. Perhaps once the morning sun casts its light upon the day some of this darkness will be alleviated....but if not, well at least I know that this is not a place unknown to me.

It is hard to write tonight.....just want to crawl up in a ball and sob......just want this struggle to end, yet I know that it won't so easily, because it is a deep rooted part of who I am.