April 17 ~ 1

Another sleepless night has left me feeling exhausted. My head is pounding and my eyes are heavy, yet as hard as I try sleep doesn't come. It is so incredibly frustrating lying there wanting sleep to come, to be able to rest, yet for what ever reason the body and mind cannot connect to that world of sleep. So you lie there awake, staring at the ceiling, tossing and turning, shifting blankets, hoping that at some moment the sleep you so desperately need will come to you.

Somehow I have to muster up enough coherency to make it through yet another assessment. This time the assessment will be at the hospital with a psychiatrist from the outpatient team. Perhaps this will be the door that opens for me to provide me with the support I so desperately need...unless it turns out to be one of those "system frustrations".

As much as you seek the help and feel the blessing that another step is being taken, you also fear the step. Fear what you may discover, about the system and about yourself. And about how others might view you. Those masks that you have worn so often seem tempting. You know they'd help to hide the fear, the vulnerability, the real you. But at the same time you know that if you are ever to get the help you need to live life to your fullest potential you will have to put down those masks and expose your vulnerability. Not an easy thing to do.

I have written this morning...had a hot shower...enjoyed a cup of chai tea...listened to music...all in hopes of calming my spirit.

I pray that I will have the strength to connect to this opportunity, to be fully present and vulnerable and to be filled with hope that another door may be opened for me. Yes, that would be so much better than this anxiety, fear and sadness that seem to be consuming me right now.