April 18 ~ 1

Well, the fog is finally beginning to lift. I woke up this morning with that "hung over feeling". At least what I think would be a hung over feeling since I have never been hung over. I was so drowsy from my meds that it took everything in me to get out of bed to get the kids to school. Upon my return from taking the girls to school, I crawled back into bed in hopes that a few more moments rest would some how take away the "zombie feeling". Rest, coffee, morning stimulant meds, a warm shower and some tidying up around the house has managed to somewhat do the trick!

It was odd not writing last night before I went to bed, but I was feeling far too overwhelmed by the day's events and knowledge to be able to put my thoughts and feelings into words.

Yesterday I went for one of those "share your life story in an hour so we can get a potential diagnosis" appointments. One hour to share your life story. Hmmm...that might be possible if you were under the age of five and have lived a fairly hum drum life. But for someone who has had even the remotest quantity of experiences, an hour truly doesn't cut it. But it does put your foot in the door.

I knew prior to my appointment that it was either going to go well or horrible, that there wouldn't be an in between. Arriving at the hospital, I get a glimpse of the man whom would be my assessment psychiatrist. An uncertain feeling overcomes me, as at first glance he doesn't appear to be someone I'd connect easily with. Thankfully that first glance impression was inaccurate.

Sitting within the confines of the small office that held his computer, a shelf of books and a few chairs we began the process. His first question to me was "what do you want from me". Hmm...I was taken aback for a brief moment, and then responded with an "I want to be able to live more fully and I am hoping you would be able to help me with the resources to do so." Thus began our dialogue process as we tried to "cram" my life's history into our brief session together. We'd go back and forth with questions and responses; he allowed me to speak freely and openly and never made me feel judged. What a true gift that is for someone who suffers from mental illness, to be able to face someone, bare your soul and not feel judged. I suppose much like I do here.

"You are a fascinating woman" he spoke to me near the conclusion of our appointment. You don't quite fit the "classic" Borderline Personality profile exactly, because you are a "supermom". He then proceeded to fill me in on his interpretation of my struggles with mental illness, including his feeling that I suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Anxiety along with the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar that I had been previously diagnosed with and unfortunately because of the OCD I was so functioning that I didn't receive help and likely was unsure of whether or not I needed help over all of these years...the almost 30 years that I seem to have been faced with the challenges of mental illness. REALLY...I thought...hmm...that is what I have always suspected myself. Interesting to find out how accurately you really do know yourself, too bad others don't always believe in that ability.

He then began to explain the treatment options available for me which included my being able to have access to the system...yes, I am stepping into the door of professional treatment for Mental Illness within the Health Care System. This opportunity could open many doors and possibilities for my gaining greater health. I greeted his suggestions willingly and am thankful that in less than a month I'll begin the intake process for Outpatient treatment!

Then we discussed my medications and their chemical affect on me. Thankfully the medications my family doctor had me on were ones that will treat the spectrum of my comorbid mental illnesses, they just needed to be "tweaked" a bit. With the shift of meds and times that I take them he promised the prospect of better sleep...what a gift that would be.

Well, I began that new shift of meds last night and as you can see from the beginning of this entry I did manage to get some sleep. And yes, that adjustment to the meds is responsible for my "hung over" feeling and that should thankfully go away as my body adjusts to the new chemical balances. It may take some more tweaking and shifting, and perhaps introduction of different medications but I am thankful that my psychiatrist, who specializes in such medications, will be responsible for my prescription drug therapy from now on.

It is a blessing and terrifying at the same time as I embrace my acceptance into the being given the opportunity for the possibility of professional treatment for these illnesses that I have suffered from for far too long. Yes, I have had treatment before, and then due to circumstances let that treatment go because I thought I'd be ok...now I know that I will forever face Mental Illness as a part of my life, but that there is hope that it doesn't have to as challenging of a part of my life.

To those who have helped me find the courage to take these steps and who have supported me, and my loved ones...I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The road ahead will not be easy. There will be many bumps and it will be very time consuming. But at least we can feel like we are moving forward, even if there are times we may get "hit" backwards along this journey.