April 23 ~ 1

I have spent the morning in tears, or on the verge of tears...not even sure what I am crying about because I feel so numb inside. Perhaps the pain is so great it cannot be felt anymore...who knows. I have tried to "distract" myself from the tears by doing "mindless" tasks like playing word games on the computer or packing for the trip my children are taking. But nothing has taken away this emptiness feeling...that numbness...or the tears.

I had a dream/nightmare last night about an ex boyfriend, one whom I know abuses alcohol and uses it as a coping mechanism. In this dream he was confessing to me that he beat his current girlfriend. He told me that when he would drink he would get so out of control that he'd emotionally and physically abuse her.

I remember looking at him in my dream trying to come to terms with what he was saying. That he, "Mr. Nice Guy", was abusive...he was a monster. I remember feeling his girlfriend's pain and questioning why on earth she'd stay with such a monster when she deserved so much more. I remember crying in disbelief that this person I trusted could do something so horrific. Sure, he'd had a rough life...but that didn't make it justifiable.

I woke up this morning to the fresh reality of that vision, that confession playing over in my head and with the stark realization that my own personal suspicions about myself were true...that I am a monster.

I spent a great deal of time yesterday preparing an "emergency pack" for someone I care about. So that she has tools to keep her safe from the monster I am. While I was putting this package together I felt good, I felt light and productive. I knew I was making a positive step. I knew I was trying to make amends for months of wrong doings on my part. I felt like perhaps instead of doing wrong I was doing something right.

And then it hit...once the obsessiveness related to task completion wore off; the reality of my situation hit me. And then after last night, it has hit me even harder.

I am a monster...I am one of those people that everyone says you should leave. I am one of those hurtful and destructive people who lose the ability to control their thoughts, emotions, words and actions. I am one of those horrible people that the world looks down upon. In the heat of an episode I can be an abuser...a monster. And in the day-to-day need to find some way to cope...I can be an abuser through my need for feeling control. That is if you are someone in my life who is very close to me, who could be seen as a threat and who is well into adulthood. I suppose the only blessing in my life related to this monster is that it hasn't lashed out ever at children...likely because they aren't a threat in my illness related world. They won't leave...or take away the remotest amount of control I have.

The harsh reality has hit me so hard I feel knocked to the ground. I feel like telling everyone to leave...just putting on a sign that says,"keep away...monster inside". I have tried for years to fight the monster inside of me and have never won, why would anyone else hope to do so...what a dismal and scary thought...that the monster inside you cannot be defeated and you are destined to carry that role forever.

Really makes you think that the world would be better off without you....