April 12 ~ 1

Looking into the mirror, as I swallow my morning dose of Seroquel, I can't help but despise the image that looks back at me. The hollow, dark rimmed eyes that flash between expressing the internal anguish I feel and masking in order that my intense vulnerability not be shown. The dark red ravaging marks that cover my arms, my body...an expression of the pain that cuts so deep that even the truest expression of love and tenderness cannot take it away. These self-inflicted wounds from the recent day's struggles and the darkly pigmented marks that tell of the scars both externally and internally of days gone by disfigure my body. And then those horrendous pounds....the 20 or so....that the have been added to my body since starting the Seroquel two weeks ago. How quickly they came on, as if trying to build a barrier to protect what lies within myself....but yet, I am ready....truly ready to try and let down that barrier, so why? The rational side of me knows from my research that it isn't uncommon for a person to gain 20 - 60 pounds while on this medication that is supposed to help stabilize this mental anguish. What a side affect.....those of us tortured by the mental anguish, the destructive "record" that plays in our minds all day long, already struggle greatly with accepting self image....and then to gain such weight, only feeds that vicious cycle, the lack of a positive self image.

Today the sun shines....how I wish it would lift my spirits, beckon to me like it does to my daughter who is thrilled at the prospect of wearing her new pair of shorts and t-shirt and who can hardly wait to feel the warmth of the suns rays on her body, lifting her spirits as she embraces the day. The excitement of being able to go outside and run and play freely at the playground brings her great joy. And here I sit in stark contrast to her uplifted spirits....feeling the weight on my spirit....not sure I even want to face the day, let alone run freely basking in the warmth of the suns rays. The record plays in my head, you are not good enough, you are not strong enough, you are broken and nobody will ever understand, you are evil and should be extinguished. I compel myself to fight the barrage of thoughts and feelings in order to attempt to face the day with some minute sense of normalcy. Running errands calls to me, the knowledge that the sun may once again be extinguished by the darkness and rain encourages me to step outside of the confines of these walls, this place of darkness and do the monotonous task of raking leaves and cleaning up the back yard. Will it be enough....will I get a brief reprieve from the intensity of my thoughts and emotions in the monotony of the day's tasks?