April 19 ~ 1

I spend a great deal of my life worrying about the many other people in my life. Wondering if they are truly ok, figuring out what I can do to support them on their journey and focusing on remembering the things I have committed to. I carry them close in my heart and feel their emotions intensely. As if I am almost a part of them. I have been missing a dear friend greatly and haven't heard from him in quite some time, which has left me sad and scared. Finally today I heard from him.

Despite the 3000 miles that separate us, I could very much feel and hear his pain as he spoke to me. I could feel that out of control anxiety as if I was experiencing myself, I could hear it in his voice and in the words he spoke. Although he has never outwardly admitted to a "label", I know he is under psychiatric and medical treatment to deal with his moods and emotions. Like me, he is one who tends to avoid facing weakness. "I didn't want to call because I was afraid I'd start to cry," he says to me. And now he can call because the adjustment in meds has him feeling more "numbed out"...wanting to cry, but unable to do so physically. "You can always cry in my ear," I reply back to him...but know for his own reasons he has to maintain that protective facade that he is stronger than I am.

Everything in me wants to bridge the 3000 miles and hold him in an embrace that will take his pain, fears and anxiety away. How I wish I could bring him peace and fill his spirit with the love he deserves. Is this how others feel when they see me suffering? I know I have heard several times from a few people how they wish they could erase my pain and struggles...but they can't. Just as I can't for him. All I can do is love him and remind him that he is not alone on this journey...and yes, that he can cry in my ear anytime.