April 21 ~ 3

Here I sit again...feeling drawn to write, yet again today. Perhaps it is because there is so much bottled inside that I need to get it out. Or even likelier it is due to the desperate need to escape this tormenting pain that I am feeling. Pain that is so relentless and hurts so much, that calm has overcome me...that vacant, empty feeling, because there is too much to feel that you feel nothing...you give up. And that is exactly how I feel.

I feel like a "pack horse" that keeps getting things loaded on top of me. Everywhere I move there is something else being piled on me. With each "burden" my strength dissipates. I turn and look around, desperately searching for somewhere to let down the load...someone who may perhaps help me carry the load. But alas, there is no one. My broken and burned spirit knows that when I have done so instead of the load getting lighter, it has become greater.

At what point is it too much...when do you break? What is the "last straw" as they say? My "knees" are crumbling beneath me...my spirit is crushed...my heart is fragile and my mind is broken. Left here in the vacant emptiness that once held my spirit, I feel defeated. Yes, the burdens have taken their toll and there is no hope for the load getting lighter anywhere in sight, because the places I thought I had to release the load hurt me more than helped me...perhaps it is because they don't understand, as hard as I try to tell them, what I need to make the load lighter...or perhaps they just don't understand me at all.

I can feel myself fading away, as physical pain overcomes my emotional pain. And not in the form of my usual coping mechanisms...they aren't enough. Instead, without my control, my body is fighting itself...rejecting itself...causing excruciating pain. Is that a blessing, where I don't have to think of how to take the pain away myself...instead my body is choosing for me. Perhaps the rejection is due to the betrayed, hurt, judged and rejected spirit I have...from being as I always have been ~ truly alone and never understood.