April 20 ~ 1

"Walking around like I have 5 heads"...yes, exactly...there is such incredible stigma attached to mental illness that statement truly describes how those of us who face the challenges of living with mental illness often feel. The most horrible thing is how incredibly much stigma can be present with the people who are closest to you. If only they knew how much it cuts like a knife and exacerbates the challenges we face. At least for me it does...

I feel like I have nowhere I can turn where I am truly understood and seen as Angela...not just as my illness. Since digging deeper to come up with the many "labels" that will hopefully facilitate more effective treatment, I have found that the more people know of my labels the more they focus on the illness or utilize the illness as a "crutch" for explanation for my or their actions. I am more than an illness...yes, I have said that time and time again...but it doesn't seem to really hit home with people. It is like the illness has masked everything.

Just because I have an illness that intensifies my emotions and that makes me more sensitive and reactive to what others may view as the smallest thing; it doesn't make my feelings any less valid. What I feel, what I think, is VERY real. So real that a great deal of my time is spent fearing and trying to hide my own emotions. Then I will come to a place where I trust the expression of those thoughts and feelings and I am usually faced with a lack of understanding. If only I could find the words to describe how hard that is for me...how much it hurts for me to feel like I can trust and then feel that trust slip away as I am misunderstood or viewed as only an illness.

Most of my life lately has been spent focused on my illness...not only by myself, but also by others. I feel like all I am is one big fat label...actually I suppose I'd be several big fat labels. How I'd love to have my feelings and thoughts validated as if I am a "real person", not just someone with mental illness. When I hurt, I hurt like you do...just more intensely...when I am happy or excited, I feel as you do...just on a higher level...when I am afraid, my fears are like yours...just more debilitating...when I am sad, I grieve like you do...it just takes me longer to feel better...every emotion you feel, I feel too and just as real but it is so much harder for me to cope than it is for you.

So, instead of trying to understand and face the realities of what I live with on a daily, moment by moment basis...you choose to use the illness as the reason for everything. You only feel that way because you are sick...it is your illness speaking...you throw my illness in my face instead of trying to understand. You use my illness as a justification for your actions...it is ok for us to talk about you "behind your back" or share your story because you are ill and you don't really know what you need or what is best for you. You use my illness to justify your actions of reluctance to face my very real feelings. You use my illness to account for your own actions...you claim I behave that way because I am ill or just interpreting it wrong. Just as I do wrong at times, you too can do wrong and should take accountability for your actions, not blame my illness.

This feeling comes up for me over and over, in most interactions with most of the people I have chosen to trust. This isn't "in my head"...it is VERY real for me. It isn't just the illness...because I am more than an illness that you choose not to understand; I am a very real person...just like you all are.

I have come to the point where I am losing trust in everyone and everything around me...ready to give up. Either lock myself away and not expose my intense vulnerabilities to everyone so that there will be no risk of the price that comes with support...the price of judgment. Either that or perhaps it is best just to give up...because I don't want to ONLY be an illness...I want to be Angela and all that encompasses.

So leave me alone...don't call...don't write...don't come over...just let me be...let me come to terms with my illness myself...because I refuse to give you all that "excuse" and "crutch" anymore!!!!!