April 23 ~ 2

Attachment...

Quite often those with BPD have an almost obsessive attachment to the people in their lives. This is likely due to their intense fear of being abandoned and their need to do everything possible to avoid real or imagined abandonment. So, it is no wonder that I am one of those people that can sometimes be referred to as "clingy" or "overbearing". That need to feel attached and secure can be very intense at times.

This past week I have found myself feeling significantly less attached to those closest to me, if attached at all. I have found myself craving aloneness...quite unique for me, someone who usually needs to be around people. I have found myself not worrying about being abandoned because I don't want people in my life at all. I have found that what I am becoming more attached to is not people, but rather possessions or favourite items. Such as my favourite blanket or one of my comfort foods. Or yes, even this computer and its "word games". Those things won't leave...and I can't hurt them.

Even today, I normally would have waited until the bus departed for the trip my children were going on. I would have felt that intense need to watch them leave so that I could feel secure with their whereabouts. This is in part due to my BPD and in part due to my OCD. But today I didn't wait. I felt no need to. I felt a sense of relief that they were leaving, that they didn't have to be exposed to me. Because I have felt them slip away already I haven't feared them abandoning me, because they have already done so in part. Sure, I'll miss them...but part of me feels strongly that they are better off without me.

I think beneath it all what is fueling this lack of desire for attaching to people in my life is my desire to not live life anymore. The lack of strength I have to do the work to have relationships and to hang on to them is very prevalent. The sadness and fear that I feel related to the affects my illness has on those around me is all consuming. In many ways I feel like a prickly porcupine that should not be touched...for your own safety and well being.

I seem to be just "floating" about through life right now. Not a blissful or happy float...but a lost float. Not sure what I should do, how I should anchor myself or where I should turn. Because I am not sure I want to be...